Before I know it, it has been six months since I started working for this place. Many changes happened, mostly for the worse, such as staff cutbacks, constant influx and never-ending source of feud and disagreement. For better or worse, I am starting to grasp the work and not in state of panic at all times. Not to mention that I have become better at time management (only at work, I am still poorly organized during idle time), and learned to take a break here and there. Being in the midst of summer reminded me of how miserable I was at my previous work, that I was constantly struggling to keep my lid from blowing up and lash out at my coworkers whom cannot seem to learn the job, and at customers who are lacking bare minimum of common senses, or just simply are not accustomed to American culture (funny then, they are considered Caucasian when I am not).
This bitter memories remind me not to look back, try to be bit more considerate towards others, and that there can be worse jobs than I am in now. I still find urges to tell certain someone to drop dead, but that is for another time.
Mostly thanks to tax return, I was able to take few classes during spring. Even with higher paying job that I have, expenses that are beyond my control (bills, mostly) kept me from saving meaningful amount. Luckily, this college offers payment plan which saved me from giving up on further education prematurely. Which reminded me of how I felt oddly out of place when I recently went to my friend's BBQ party. She tried her best to make this happen, and food was delicious, and yet, it was all over the place. Anyone who have been to enough BBQ parties would know that this was clearly her first attempt. Further setback by the fact that she did not have much exposure as well. I was constantly reminding myself to keep opinion to myself, and that it is the thought that counts the most. After all, this was her very first party. I have not find a right time to provide some feedback on how to improve on her next party, should there be next one.
My sibling was gracious enough not to indulge on details first. She knew better than to drill me with question which would lead me to feel defensive and evade the issue altogether. I have a feeling that both my sibling and my mother place gag order on my old man from doing just that... opening a can of worms and making me want to bolt out and stay out of home as much as possible. I have taken some pictures which I have yet to post it on my photo-blog (BigVinny's DSLR Newbie), but sorted out few of them and printed out on 4"x6" photo paper. The host of the party looks great in them. I can see why my parents were trying to fish out my feeling towards her. As they often preaches, the one who loves to cook makes the best wife. I can see some truth in it.
This entry has been oddly sentimental, different from my previous entries which were filled with mostly dry facts, and some release of frustration from job and school. Maybe my perspective on life is starting to shift. If not, it could be all those family events surrounding me that are giving me strange ideas. In my parents' generation, I should have been long married, have a child or two, and be on my way towards buying a house and be joyfully on my way into parenthood. Time has been changed. Great middle-class experiment has been failed and we are shifting back towards how things were before the midst of Industrial Revolution. Current resource is not enough to meet the needs of our population, and uneven distribution of wealth that symbolizes our class is showing its teeth, ready to strike on artificial creation called "Middle Class". I cannot help but to wonder if I am too late to start looking for a partner. Perhaps I need to wake up from this delusion that I can somehow support a family. Instead, I should look for a lot in cemetery, and save enough money to live through inevitable post-social security retirement where I will truly be standing all alone, and curse at the modern medication to artificially prolonging our lives, lives that may serve nothing but misery towards those who cannot feed themselves, or to reinforce body to remain healthy, but the beating heart that betrays one's will and refuse to let it end on its time. I fear that is the future we are facing. I have no need for anyone to tell me about impending doom of crushing debt. I believe I am better informed about how our economy works, and the various theories which ultimately leads to change. Alas, we are still too far away from the permanent change, and therefore, we are most likely to be tossed aside, as billions of others have been before, and will be.
I have been told by few people who know me well that I am surrounded with feeling of insecurity. If I were to borrow studies from child development, I am lacking in stable family and proper paternal and maternal figures when I needed them the most. It did not lead me towards destructive path, but the sense of insecurity lurks around, the feeling that I am to be tossed aside, not belonging to anywhere is always there. My tendency towards avoiding conflict and being unable to take criticism well might be intrinsic part of this. I fear that I might be causing trouble to others, therefore I try to blend in. That leads to minimizing disagreement and criticism often follows after the disagreement. Believing that receiving criticism, no matter how good-nature or constructive it might be, means that I am out of the loop leads me right back to the feeling of insecurity. This has been shaping my inner-self. This also shapes my outer-self, that I am often labeled as someone to be agreeable, one who does not cause trouble, but ultimately, very forgettable. I noticed the blunt of that effect during the time for senior prom. My fear of standing out, which meant that I am sticking out for the better or worse froze me in panic and I refused to stand up or move out of my chair during the entire time. I think I really owe an apology to my prom partner, a cute red-headed junior of mine. Seeing as how I feel disgusted at myself, I do not know if anyone else can be willing to accept my shortcoming as a human being. This is why I press a brake pedal whenever I am pressured to respond towards any progress on relationship. I know that only sure way to find out whether she is willing to accept my shortcoming and be with me is to ask her directly, but my nerve betrays me. It is becoming harder to ask second time than the first.
School:
Starts in two and a half weeks.
Well-being:
Not bad, with finally a health insurance to boot.
Job:
"It is there". That phrase annoys my uncle to no end, which puts little grin on my face.
Reading:
Book: Nothing. I might read up on some of ebooks I gave to my sibling, though.
Manga: Fruits Basket (by Natsuki Takuya), Battle Angel Alita/Last Order (by Kishiro Yukito, and here is hoping that James Cameron does not mess up on turning it into a movie).
Playing:
Final Fantasy XIII, Little Big Planet ("The best of Harry Potter"? Excellent).
Two-Cents (I can never find them when I look for them, those pesky coins):
I wanted to go many places and see many things, but things never turn out the way you wanted. Perhaps the lure of extended families dropping by (and unleashing unpleasantness-and my inner-avoidance kicking in overdrive) might give just enough motivation to get my bottom out of the house and get going. Maybe I will go see King Tut after all.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Boulevard of broken bracket and expired lives
Going into sixth week of my new job. Do I love it? Not by any stretch of imagination. Do I like it? Probably not so much. Now that initial shock of orientation has passed by, I am left with mixed feeling of remorse and frustration. Daily exercises of "Hurry-up-and-wait", and "Murphy's-law-kicking-my-rear-end" are grinding me hard. Never once have I thought that working on eight hour shift that does not involve full manual labor would drain my body.
I will still have to work through another seven weeks before I can be for sure that I will not be relieved of my duty. Then again, just about every coworkers have warned me about distinct lack of loyalty towards its workers from the employer, so I suppose I can be let go at any moment's notice.
Snow was no match for seven days of May-like weather. Over 50 inches of snow accumulated during the late February storm is anything but disappeared, leaving bare ground with little vegetation to look at. Hardly there are any flowers blooming, I think they were just as shocked to see that there are no snow.
One of some benefits of moving on to better pay job is having more disposable income. I know, I know, I have to save money for the rainy day. I have not forgotten about many days of going nearly belly up and having to borrow money from my friend (bless her heart) to pay the bills. But, this goal of getting a DSLR camera has been my dream for almost four years, and I think it is right time for me to achieve that goal once and for all.
At first, I was dreaming about buying Sony a300 even before it was released. The idea of fantastic image with swiveling screen and usable live-view was tempting. Not to mention that I have no attachment on legacy film-based SLR cameras and lenses. Then came to realization that I simply did not have money to buy the camera, and using credit card was not an option as I was getting pretty close to maxing out all my credit cards at the time. That, and my part-time job was barely enough to cover my living expenses. So I set my goal on using next year's tax return to buy DSLR camera. As my time line passed, so did my ideal DSLR camera.
By the time my tax return was nearby, my sights were set on Canon Digital Rebel XSi. Higher resolution, beefier looking camera with a company name associated closely with "Real Camera Company" (not that Sony was a fluke, as they bought Minolta's SLR division to start their own). I was almost tempted to get that camera as my parents mentioned about an old Canon SLR camera lying around somewhere in the attic. To my disappointment, that camera used Canon FD mount. So it was not going to be compatible with current crop of DSLR using EF mount. Oh, and I had to pay back money I borrowed from my aforementioned friend, so I was back to square.
My brother-in-law used to take some pictures. Enough so that his grandmother bought him a Nikon SLR camera from yesteryear to nurture his hobby. Many years have passed by (and I have yet to see his pictures) and he decided to look for that camera and let me play around with it after finding out that I was just dying to get a proper camera of my own. The camera he owns is Nikon EM, so called "Nikon for lady" due to its simplicity. It might have been simple for SLR camera users of its time, but for someone who only dreamed of DSLR camera, it was tricky affair. Not to mention that unable to properly spool up 35mm film reminded me why film died out of the way of Dodo as soon as flash memory and digital camera took off.
Not long after acquiring Nikon EM (and 50mm Nikon Series E lens as well as SB-E flashlight), Ashton Kutcher became a spokesperson for Nikon. His goofy demeanor might have been laughable, but Nikon D60 he was holding caught my attention. Upon learning that almost all post-AI era Nikon lenses can still be used with current DSLR (albeit in limited function), I started to compare D60 with XSi and calculate just how much money I need to save up. Meanwhile, I soldiered onto yet another year of Auto Show with compact point-and-shoot camera.
D60 was definitely inferior camera, without costing much less. I was torn between going with Nikon D60 (and using 50mm lens) or Canon DR XSi (and start anew). With enough time passed and no funding secured, I was about to put it aside until next tax return season until Nikon brought out D5000 and pretty much leapfrogged Canon's XSi. By then, Canon upped the ante with T1i, but that was going beyond any justifiable means of price I can spend on. So I finally bit the bullet and ordered D5000, along with Sigma 18-200mm Super Zoom lens (because changing less = less dusty sensor). Above is the one of first 60 shots I took, with almost no knowledge of properly taking photograph (other than using Macro function).
I could have not been more thrilled about the excitement upon seeing the result in full scale. It was lovely. Something so mundane looked so vibrant. I have tried (and failed) many timed trying to take respectable pictures using point-and-shoot camera and none of them come even close to this pedestrian picture I happily snapped the shutter button at. I cannot wait to attend this year's Auto Show. I hope Lexus brought their LF-A.
School:
Orientation over, passed the class (yeah, they graded the orientation class, too), rest of the classes will begin in one week.
Well-being:
No more stomach-flu-like-symptom.
Job:
Please refer to the first two paragraphs. I do not want to talk about it again.
Reading:
Book: I Am America (And So Can You!) by Stephen Colbert, Batman: Dark Knight Returns by Frank Miller.
Manga: Kanamemo (by Iwami Shouko), Koe de Oshigoto! (by Konno Azure), and Oui Oui Days (by Inugami Sukune).
Playing:
Star Ocean: The Last Hope International.
Soon: Either Final Fantasy XIII or Resonance of Fate (or even God of War III).
Two-Cents (is still worth more than my busted bracket... *sob*):
So much for March Madness bracket challenge. Now I am sitting at 35th Percentile thanks to all those Big "L"east teams losing the match. I just had too much faith in them, and they returned my faith with big slap on my face. Ugh, I guess I will not have a shot at getting that "Win an Op. Status for One Week" prize.
I will still have to work through another seven weeks before I can be for sure that I will not be relieved of my duty. Then again, just about every coworkers have warned me about distinct lack of loyalty towards its workers from the employer, so I suppose I can be let go at any moment's notice.
Snow was no match for seven days of May-like weather. Over 50 inches of snow accumulated during the late February storm is anything but disappeared, leaving bare ground with little vegetation to look at. Hardly there are any flowers blooming, I think they were just as shocked to see that there are no snow.
At first, I was dreaming about buying Sony a300 even before it was released. The idea of fantastic image with swiveling screen and usable live-view was tempting. Not to mention that I have no attachment on legacy film-based SLR cameras and lenses. Then came to realization that I simply did not have money to buy the camera, and using credit card was not an option as I was getting pretty close to maxing out all my credit cards at the time. That, and my part-time job was barely enough to cover my living expenses. So I set my goal on using next year's tax return to buy DSLR camera. As my time line passed, so did my ideal DSLR camera.
By the time my tax return was nearby, my sights were set on Canon Digital Rebel XSi. Higher resolution, beefier looking camera with a company name associated closely with "Real Camera Company" (not that Sony was a fluke, as they bought Minolta's SLR division to start their own). I was almost tempted to get that camera as my parents mentioned about an old Canon SLR camera lying around somewhere in the attic. To my disappointment, that camera used Canon FD mount. So it was not going to be compatible with current crop of DSLR using EF mount. Oh, and I had to pay back money I borrowed from my aforementioned friend, so I was back to square.
My brother-in-law used to take some pictures. Enough so that his grandmother bought him a Nikon SLR camera from yesteryear to nurture his hobby. Many years have passed by (and I have yet to see his pictures) and he decided to look for that camera and let me play around with it after finding out that I was just dying to get a proper camera of my own. The camera he owns is Nikon EM, so called "Nikon for lady" due to its simplicity. It might have been simple for SLR camera users of its time, but for someone who only dreamed of DSLR camera, it was tricky affair. Not to mention that unable to properly spool up 35mm film reminded me why film died out of the way of Dodo as soon as flash memory and digital camera took off.
Not long after acquiring Nikon EM (and 50mm Nikon Series E lens as well as SB-E flashlight), Ashton Kutcher became a spokesperson for Nikon. His goofy demeanor might have been laughable, but Nikon D60 he was holding caught my attention. Upon learning that almost all post-AI era Nikon lenses can still be used with current DSLR (albeit in limited function), I started to compare D60 with XSi and calculate just how much money I need to save up. Meanwhile, I soldiered onto yet another year of Auto Show with compact point-and-shoot camera.
D60 was definitely inferior camera, without costing much less. I was torn between going with Nikon D60 (and using 50mm lens) or Canon DR XSi (and start anew). With enough time passed and no funding secured, I was about to put it aside until next tax return season until Nikon brought out D5000 and pretty much leapfrogged Canon's XSi. By then, Canon upped the ante with T1i, but that was going beyond any justifiable means of price I can spend on. So I finally bit the bullet and ordered D5000, along with Sigma 18-200mm Super Zoom lens (because changing less = less dusty sensor). Above is the one of first 60 shots I took, with almost no knowledge of properly taking photograph (other than using Macro function).
I could have not been more thrilled about the excitement upon seeing the result in full scale. It was lovely. Something so mundane looked so vibrant. I have tried (and failed) many timed trying to take respectable pictures using point-and-shoot camera and none of them come even close to this pedestrian picture I happily snapped the shutter button at. I cannot wait to attend this year's Auto Show. I hope Lexus brought their LF-A.
School:
Orientation over, passed the class (yeah, they graded the orientation class, too), rest of the classes will begin in one week.
Well-being:
No more stomach-flu-like-symptom.
Job:
Please refer to the first two paragraphs. I do not want to talk about it again.
Reading:
Book: I Am America (And So Can You!) by Stephen Colbert, Batman: Dark Knight Returns by Frank Miller.
Manga: Kanamemo (by Iwami Shouko), Koe de Oshigoto! (by Konno Azure), and Oui Oui Days (by Inugami Sukune).
Playing:
Star Ocean: The Last Hope International.
Soon: Either Final Fantasy XIII or Resonance of Fate (or even God of War III).
Two-Cents (is still worth more than my busted bracket... *sob*):
So much for March Madness bracket challenge. Now I am sitting at 35th Percentile thanks to all those Big "L"east teams losing the match. I just had too much faith in them, and they returned my faith with big slap on my face. Ugh, I guess I will not have a shot at getting that "Win an Op. Status for One Week" prize.
Friday, February 05, 2010
Blindly chasing after an illusion of dream, or perhaps nightmare
It turned out that all my worries were for naught. One who fails to review its own history is doomed to repeat the failure. By now, I should have learned to believe in myself bit more, but my nagging insecurity stops me at dead track. My licensing examination, as it turned out, only needed to ask me the bare minimum amount of questions before deeming that I was fit to receive the license to practice. I expected to receive the actual license in a month, given all the talk about layoffs in state government center. I ended up receiving the license in five days after the examination. In a hard-shelled envelop, no less. It still does not seem quite real, and yet, my name is there, spelled correctly.
Job hunting has been, nothing less of frustrating experience. Sadly, it has been an ongoing experience. Most of places I placed my hopes on retracted on job openings, and the my fallback plan has failed as I missed out on deadline by one week. For good five months, I have been eating (and over-indulging) on humble cake and licking my wounds while still working in same job I have had for last four years.
By recommendations of my parents, I took two detours and almost ready to step into the next chapter of my mundane, and ever chaotic life. Instead of stubbornly insisting on finding a job in hospital, I took whatever I can take, and take them as an extension of learning experience on both my skill and life lesson. Life is never predictable (and I should have known this well by now).
First new job is in school. My sister laughs at the thought of me working with "snot-nosed brat", and that is exactly what is going on every few weeks. Their lies are transparent, and they are blissfully unaware of the fact that I knew too well to believe their words, but for whatever its worth, they will keep on lying about their stomachache. It is not entirely true to lump them up as a lie, as fundamental difference lies within multiple factors such as family and other interpersonal dynamics. In other words, they may complain of stomachache because something bothers them, let it be parents, friends, class or sometimes, even their lunch. Never feed a child with two hot dogs, a bowl of chili and ice cream at same time. That is all I have to say for now.
Second new job, which I will start shortly, involves more traditional setting. However, my practice most likely involves smaller sets of skills and in more mundane routine. I think I will be able to work through first few months purely on adrenaline filled nervousness and anticipation of working in new environment, but after that, I am not too sure. I had to go through two shots of PPD, and chest X-Ray. Now I have this ugly scars on my arms that might go away in few months, and in need of new uniform.
I really blew up the chance to meet my friends around last Christmas, and I am truly sorry for what I have done. What started out as a case of miscommunication had turned into something pretty ugly, and I am not proud of that.
School:
Starting a new term in March 2010. Most likely take out most of my tax return.
Well-being:
Tasting something fishy, is it from my dinner or am I tasting my own blood?
Job:
I requested a schedule change with a letter of resignation, just in case they could not accommodate my request, and now everyone thinks I am quitting. Whatever happened to my request? Have they forgotten about it? Have they decided that it cannot be done? Just what is going on here?
Starting my second new job in one week.
Reading:
Book: What Americans Really Want... Really: The Truth About Our Hopes, Dreams and Fears by Frank Luntz
Manga: Ai Yori Aoshi (by Fumizaki Kou), Dorothea (by Cuvie), and Happy Negative Marriage (by Amazume Ryuta)
Playing:
Just waiting patiently on Star Ocean: Last Hope International Edition
Soon: Final Fantasy XIII, Sakura Taisen: Good Bye My Love
Two-Cents (does not improve your scratch lottery winning odds):
"Happy Negative Marriage" is so spot-on, it hurts me to the core. I feel like peeping into my inner most fear and it describes myself so well in so many levels, it depresses me. I am getting quite close to that age, and I fear that I may not even have such comical luck (as in real life).
My big boss' wife (also another boss) dropped by to observe how the place is being run. She pretty much laid out that my abrupt resignation will not bode well for the store. I doubt that they will offer to match my new salary (50% hike), so they will have to scratch, bite and crawl to keep the place operating. That, and another person in my department recently handed her resignation letter (four year veteran), so things are not all rosy in my soon-to-be-former workplace.
Job hunting has been, nothing less of frustrating experience. Sadly, it has been an ongoing experience. Most of places I placed my hopes on retracted on job openings, and the my fallback plan has failed as I missed out on deadline by one week. For good five months, I have been eating (and over-indulging) on humble cake and licking my wounds while still working in same job I have had for last four years.
By recommendations of my parents, I took two detours and almost ready to step into the next chapter of my mundane, and ever chaotic life. Instead of stubbornly insisting on finding a job in hospital, I took whatever I can take, and take them as an extension of learning experience on both my skill and life lesson. Life is never predictable (and I should have known this well by now).
First new job is in school. My sister laughs at the thought of me working with "snot-nosed brat", and that is exactly what is going on every few weeks. Their lies are transparent, and they are blissfully unaware of the fact that I knew too well to believe their words, but for whatever its worth, they will keep on lying about their stomachache. It is not entirely true to lump them up as a lie, as fundamental difference lies within multiple factors such as family and other interpersonal dynamics. In other words, they may complain of stomachache because something bothers them, let it be parents, friends, class or sometimes, even their lunch. Never feed a child with two hot dogs, a bowl of chili and ice cream at same time. That is all I have to say for now.
Second new job, which I will start shortly, involves more traditional setting. However, my practice most likely involves smaller sets of skills and in more mundane routine. I think I will be able to work through first few months purely on adrenaline filled nervousness and anticipation of working in new environment, but after that, I am not too sure. I had to go through two shots of PPD, and chest X-Ray. Now I have this ugly scars on my arms that might go away in few months, and in need of new uniform.
I really blew up the chance to meet my friends around last Christmas, and I am truly sorry for what I have done. What started out as a case of miscommunication had turned into something pretty ugly, and I am not proud of that.
School:
Starting a new term in March 2010. Most likely take out most of my tax return.
Well-being:
Tasting something fishy, is it from my dinner or am I tasting my own blood?
Job:
I requested a schedule change with a letter of resignation, just in case they could not accommodate my request, and now everyone thinks I am quitting. Whatever happened to my request? Have they forgotten about it? Have they decided that it cannot be done? Just what is going on here?
Starting my second new job in one week.
Reading:
Book: What Americans Really Want... Really: The Truth About Our Hopes, Dreams and Fears by Frank Luntz
Manga: Ai Yori Aoshi (by Fumizaki Kou), Dorothea (by Cuvie), and Happy Negative Marriage (by Amazume Ryuta)
Playing:
Just waiting patiently on Star Ocean: Last Hope International Edition
Soon: Final Fantasy XIII, Sakura Taisen: Good Bye My Love
Two-Cents (does not improve your scratch lottery winning odds):
"Happy Negative Marriage" is so spot-on, it hurts me to the core. I feel like peeping into my inner most fear and it describes myself so well in so many levels, it depresses me. I am getting quite close to that age, and I fear that I may not even have such comical luck (as in real life).
My big boss' wife (also another boss) dropped by to observe how the place is being run. She pretty much laid out that my abrupt resignation will not bode well for the store. I doubt that they will offer to match my new salary (50% hike), so they will have to scratch, bite and crawl to keep the place operating. That, and another person in my department recently handed her resignation letter (four year veteran), so things are not all rosy in my soon-to-be-former workplace.
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