Before I know it, it has been six months since I started working for this place. Many changes happened, mostly for the worse, such as staff cutbacks, constant influx and never-ending source of feud and disagreement. For better or worse, I am starting to grasp the work and not in state of panic at all times. Not to mention that I have become better at time management (only at work, I am still poorly organized during idle time), and learned to take a break here and there. Being in the midst of summer reminded me of how miserable I was at my previous work, that I was constantly struggling to keep my lid from blowing up and lash out at my coworkers whom cannot seem to learn the job, and at customers who are lacking bare minimum of common senses, or just simply are not accustomed to American culture (funny then, they are considered Caucasian when I am not).
This bitter memories remind me not to look back, try to be bit more considerate towards others, and that there can be worse jobs than I am in now. I still find urges to tell certain someone to drop dead, but that is for another time.
Mostly thanks to tax return, I was able to take few classes during spring. Even with higher paying job that I have, expenses that are beyond my control (bills, mostly) kept me from saving meaningful amount. Luckily, this college offers payment plan which saved me from giving up on further education prematurely. Which reminded me of how I felt oddly out of place when I recently went to my friend's BBQ party. She tried her best to make this happen, and food was delicious, and yet, it was all over the place. Anyone who have been to enough BBQ parties would know that this was clearly her first attempt. Further setback by the fact that she did not have much exposure as well. I was constantly reminding myself to keep opinion to myself, and that it is the thought that counts the most. After all, this was her very first party. I have not find a right time to provide some feedback on how to improve on her next party, should there be next one.
My sibling was gracious enough not to indulge on details first. She knew better than to drill me with question which would lead me to feel defensive and evade the issue altogether. I have a feeling that both my sibling and my mother place gag order on my old man from doing just that... opening a can of worms and making me want to bolt out and stay out of home as much as possible. I have taken some pictures which I have yet to post it on my photo-blog (BigVinny's DSLR Newbie), but sorted out few of them and printed out on 4"x6" photo paper. The host of the party looks great in them. I can see why my parents were trying to fish out my feeling towards her. As they often preaches, the one who loves to cook makes the best wife. I can see some truth in it.
This entry has been oddly sentimental, different from my previous entries which were filled with mostly dry facts, and some release of frustration from job and school. Maybe my perspective on life is starting to shift. If not, it could be all those family events surrounding me that are giving me strange ideas. In my parents' generation, I should have been long married, have a child or two, and be on my way towards buying a house and be joyfully on my way into parenthood. Time has been changed. Great middle-class experiment has been failed and we are shifting back towards how things were before the midst of Industrial Revolution. Current resource is not enough to meet the needs of our population, and uneven distribution of wealth that symbolizes our class is showing its teeth, ready to strike on artificial creation called "Middle Class". I cannot help but to wonder if I am too late to start looking for a partner. Perhaps I need to wake up from this delusion that I can somehow support a family. Instead, I should look for a lot in cemetery, and save enough money to live through inevitable post-social security retirement where I will truly be standing all alone, and curse at the modern medication to artificially prolonging our lives, lives that may serve nothing but misery towards those who cannot feed themselves, or to reinforce body to remain healthy, but the beating heart that betrays one's will and refuse to let it end on its time. I fear that is the future we are facing. I have no need for anyone to tell me about impending doom of crushing debt. I believe I am better informed about how our economy works, and the various theories which ultimately leads to change. Alas, we are still too far away from the permanent change, and therefore, we are most likely to be tossed aside, as billions of others have been before, and will be.
I have been told by few people who know me well that I am surrounded with feeling of insecurity. If I were to borrow studies from child development, I am lacking in stable family and proper paternal and maternal figures when I needed them the most. It did not lead me towards destructive path, but the sense of insecurity lurks around, the feeling that I am to be tossed aside, not belonging to anywhere is always there. My tendency towards avoiding conflict and being unable to take criticism well might be intrinsic part of this. I fear that I might be causing trouble to others, therefore I try to blend in. That leads to minimizing disagreement and criticism often follows after the disagreement. Believing that receiving criticism, no matter how good-nature or constructive it might be, means that I am out of the loop leads me right back to the feeling of insecurity. This has been shaping my inner-self. This also shapes my outer-self, that I am often labeled as someone to be agreeable, one who does not cause trouble, but ultimately, very forgettable. I noticed the blunt of that effect during the time for senior prom. My fear of standing out, which meant that I am sticking out for the better or worse froze me in panic and I refused to stand up or move out of my chair during the entire time. I think I really owe an apology to my prom partner, a cute red-headed junior of mine. Seeing as how I feel disgusted at myself, I do not know if anyone else can be willing to accept my shortcoming as a human being. This is why I press a brake pedal whenever I am pressured to respond towards any progress on relationship. I know that only sure way to find out whether she is willing to accept my shortcoming and be with me is to ask her directly, but my nerve betrays me. It is becoming harder to ask second time than the first.
School:
Starts in two and a half weeks.
Well-being:
Not bad, with finally a health insurance to boot.
Job:
"It is there". That phrase annoys my uncle to no end, which puts little grin on my face.
Reading:
Book: Nothing. I might read up on some of ebooks I gave to my sibling, though.
Manga: Fruits Basket (by Natsuki Takuya), Battle Angel Alita/Last Order (by Kishiro Yukito, and here is hoping that James Cameron does not mess up on turning it into a movie).
Playing:
Final Fantasy XIII, Little Big Planet ("The best of Harry Potter"? Excellent).
Two-Cents (I can never find them when I look for them, those pesky coins):
I wanted to go many places and see many things, but things never turn out the way you wanted. Perhaps the lure of extended families dropping by (and unleashing unpleasantness-and my inner-avoidance kicking in overdrive) might give just enough motivation to get my bottom out of the house and get going. Maybe I will go see King Tut after all.
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